Rude, Crude and Cognitively Disruptive

Cathy answers her own question:

Pretty lady! I think I have another loser on my hands. He always blames me for everything, and he picks fights, which I am supposed to just endure silently BC when I stand against his bully behavior, he says I am the worst, despite me not asking to get insulted. He picked [a fight] two days ago and is now doing semi silent treatment. Came home 4 hours late and asked me if I was going to have sex with him. I declined, but the fact that he thought I was just supposed to roll over after being insulted days ago with no apology and rude behavior makes me think he definitely is a loser. Any thought on this?

You knew I would have thoughts, Cathy darling.

You already know this fellow is a loser, my dear. His behavior is that of a man who regards you as a sex dispenser, and handy receptacle for his unwillingness to take personal responsibility for anything. Unless you are in this relationship for the sex and nothing else, there is no reason for you to invest another second in him.

What I wish to discuss is the fact of his Rude Behavior.

Rudeness, as this article makes clear, can make the difference between life and death.

“We found that rudeness damages your ability to think, manage information, and make decisions,” said Amir Erez, an author on the study and a Huber Hurst professor of management at the University of Florida. “You can be highly motivated to work, but if rudeness damages your cognitive system then you can’t function appropriately in a complex situation. And that hurts patients.”

Women are conditioned to think of ourselves as nurturers. Often we will attempt to absorb rude and abusive behavior as an integral part of our duties. “Poor dear,” we think, when our mate returns several hours late and peremptorily demands sexual favors, “he’s had a hard day. Better be nice to him.”

Cathy, I ask you, what is a mate FOR? Besides the enjoyment of carnal relations, and the sharing of ever-increasing rent bills?

We may rely upon our mate as a primary, sometimes the only, source of mutual support. Community, extended family, employment, government assistance–all have been in decline, sadly, for decades. Your partner is often your entire support system.

So when your partner’s behavior undermines your ability to perform, this is a serious problem. He’s tying a bowling ball to your kneecaps while shoveling you toward the abyss.

You say, Cathy, that you do not ask to be insulted. Do you imagine that people ever DO ask to be insulted? Does this reflect your boyfriend’s tendencies to blame you? Does he regard you as so deserving of insults that you might as well be asking for them?

Did your family ever do this?

Life is too short, Cathy my dear, to voluntarily co-habit with a person who makes your job harder, your burdens heavier, and your sense of security more precarious. Please take steps to leave, and keep me posted.

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