Am I With a Loser?

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Princess Question, by Kate Moon

Loser: it seems an Extreme Term. Many of you dears have asked about it. “Pretty Lady,” they say, “how can you be so cruel? We know you to be the veritable embodiment of Forgiveness and Light. How, then, is this? Is the world ending?”

These are excellent questions.

But do not despair. All of us, even Pretty Lady, have loser qualities from time to time. This is human nature. Pretty Lady still loves you, endearing mishaps and all.

What defines a Capital Loser, in Pretty Lady’s lexicon, is simply this: A Loser is a person who consistently sacrifices YOUR well-being to avoid THEIR personal growth.

Note: Pretty Lady is not expecting anyone to change. At least, not in the sense of altering one’s unique and perfect personality. Some (even most) of Pretty Lady’s intimate circle are blessed with quirks–Asperger’s, anxiety, extreme mood swings, ADHD, genius, poverty, dyslexia, and the general inability to assemble a meal in under 2.5 hours–which she sees as Feature, not Flaw. These atypical neurological setups come hand in glove with the extraordinary gifts of Honesty, Creativity, Kindness, Generosity and Perspicacity, without which the human race would be immeasurably deprived.

No, one’s Loser nature is not wrapped up in trivialities like that. It consists merely in how a person responds to challenges, internally or externally imposed, which require them to either: 1) expand their perspective or 2) take unjustifiable pot-shots at everyone in the vicinity.

In other words, people don’t change. They grow. All except the losers.

Growth entails:

  • listening
  • empathizing
  • seeking medical treatment
  • exercising
  • meditating
  • problem-solving
  • copping to mistakes
  • making amends

Losing involves:

  • tantrum-throwing
  • passive-aggression
  • manipulation
  • lying
  • blame
  • sabotage
  • gaslighting
  • avoidance
  • denial
  • violence

The only thing a person needs to do, in order to obviate the Loser sobriquet, is to equip their psychological toolbox with items from the first column, in preference to those in the second.

So: Am I with a Loser?

In the early 90s, there was a contraption at Six Flags called the Cliff Hanger. It loaded you into a cart, hauled you up 128 feet, and dropped you. A few seconds of free fall ended with you on your back, breathless, looking up at the sky.

If you are with a Loser, you feel you are locked into the Cliff Hanger, and you can’t get off. Loser hijinks are cyclical in nature.

In the ascending stage, all feels hunky-dory. Exhilarating, even. Your view widens. Your nerves sparkle. Sunlight dances on the roller coasters below.

Then you hit the wall.

You don’t know how you got into this stupid argument again. You tried so hard to approach the problem with empathy and consideration. You thought the two of you were past this issue. Maybe if you just explained. Maybe if you asked the right questions, tried a little harder, had a different attitude, your beloved partner would understand that six years of unemployment is five-and-a-half years too many. Or that mental illness is treatable. Or that it won’t necessarily ruin their life if they decide to stop seducing every charmer they encounter.

Your beloved partner, on the other hand, discerns a terrible flaw in you. You are a child. You are controlling. You are cold and unfeeling, and rigid and patriarchal. You are hopeless.

Maybe you are hopeless.

And here you are, looking up at the sky once again.

 

So: AM I A LOSER???

Of course not, darling.

 

Much love,

Pretty Lady

If you are a woman who has endured a breakup or divorce that upended your universe, Pretty Lady would LOVE to speak with you! Write or message her on Twitter (@prettyladylee) and she will be in touch.

 

 

 

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Comments (2)

  1. cathy

    Reply

    Pretty lady! I think I have another loser on my hands. He always blames me for everything, and he picks fights, which I am supposed to just endure silently BC when I stand against his bully behavior, he says I am the worst, despite me not asking to get insulted. He picked two days ago and is now doing semi silent treatment. Came home 4 hours late and asked me if I was going to have sex with him. I declined, i suspected him one, but the fact that he thought I was just supposed to roll over after being insulted days ago with no apology and rude behavior makes me think he definitely is a loser. Any thought on this?

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